Getting married is a big deal. If you're about to tie the knot, this post is for you! Or maybe you're not even close. Maybe you just feel like this...
Wherever you're at in life, it's okay! It's going to be okay. There were times in my life when I stressed about who I was going to marry and when (and how). I wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to worry! Because the less I worried about it, the happier I was. And coincidentally (or not), when I wasn't worried about it, I had way better romantic relationships — especially compared to none at all.
(*Note: I look like a pink whale because I was 9 months pregnant at the time)
Tom and I have been married for the past 5.5 years. We've had our ups and downs and we've learned a lot!
My sister-in-law got married a few months ago. It was really fun to be at her wedding and celebrate the day with her and her husband. Weddings are really fun IMO but only if there is dancing and lots of laughter (and no lame lines). Which is what this wedding was!
Anywho. I have loved making mistakes in my marriage because it helped me learn and grow. In general, making mistakes is great for growth. But there are a few things that made our path a whole lot smoother. So I'm going to share them! Read these tips, ignore the, try them, do whatever you want to do. These are things that work for us, and hopefully one idea might help you. And if it doesn't, that's okay too. Take it or leave it :)
This is seriously one of the most helpful tools we use. And we use it all. the. time. For the very first part of our marriage (after our awesome 3-month honeymoon in Europe!), we had a few hiccups getting into regular life. We had trouble remembering what we had committed to, which events we were going to, and we even double-booked ourselves a few times. Plus I felt like I was keeping everything in my head 😅 Talk about unnecessary stress. Then voila! We decided to write things down (digitally) and sync our calendars! Woo hoo! My brain could relax after trying to be the mental calendar for two very busy schedules!
Benefits of Google calendar include:
- It's free
- Infinitely less nagging on the part of whoever remembers better
- Automatic reminders to help you get into gear
- We even set them for things like filing our taxes, birthdays, serving other people, etc.!
To set it up, just make sure your email is synced to your calendar (there are some step-by-step instructions here) and then invite your spouse/partner to the events you want them to join. Or just share your entire calendar with them.
Part of my parents' deal for paying for our wedding was that we had to take Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey before we tied the knot. Turns out it was probably our best wedding present ever! Did you know financial reasons is one of the biggest causes of divorce? I'm really grateful my parents encouraged us to take the class. It has helped us sooo much! We have been able to be on the same page financially from the beginning (with some minor normal hiccups of course) of our marriage. We are debt-free (except for our house, which we're working on paying off early) and we have a lot of peace. Having an emergency fund — including food and water storage — helps us feel really at ease knowing that we will be okay if something happens. Doing a monthly budget together helps us in tons of ways. It helps us:
- Be on the same page
- Know where our money goes
- Plan for the future
I definitely recommend taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace course. At the very least, you should have an accountability partner and do a monthly budget. It will help you loads!
Every Sunday, Tom and I sit down and plan out our week. We have a big whiteboard where we have our weekly goals, calendar schedule, and family goals. Since we have one car, this helps us a ton with coordinating where we need to be and when. Some of the things we talk about:
- Our weekly schedule (including appointments, meetings, school schedules, family events, etc.)
- One Christ-like attribute we want to work on that week
- Which chores we are doing that week (see #4)
- Goals for me, Tom, and each of our kids in the categories of:
- Physical
- Social
- Intellectual
- Spiritual
- How our relationship is doing! Based off companionship inventory from Preach My Gospel, we share our goals, and ask each other for help in accomplishing them. We also:
- talk about the strength of our relationship
- discuss any challenges keeping us from working in unity
- resolve conflicts
- share what we think each other's strengths are and
- ask for suggestions on how to improve
Weekly planning is like an ice bath. I really don't like the idea of it, I don't like doing it, but it feels sooo good after. And I'm always so glad we did it!
For us, we split the house in half and we switch off who does what half each week. I know this doesn't work for every couple, but it works for us! I remember we didn't have a system at the first part of our marriage and I didn't like the feeling that I was doing all the work 😭 (which, note: I probably wasn't but I felt like it). It also helped us define what is 'clean' and what level of clean we should try to manage each week.
If you don't know what a soft start-up is, you can read this blog post from the Gottman Institute. For me, I preferred hearing it from the man himself in his interview on one of my favorite podcasts. Basically instead of saying something like this:
Harsh start-up: 'Your brother is so awful. Every time he comes over, he makes a huge mess. He's the worst!'
You can say it like this:
Soft start-up: 'I'm worried that when your brother comes over, the house will get messy. I get stressed out when everything I cleaned gets messy so fast. Could you support me in keeping things tidy while he's here?
Like Dr. Gottman himself says, soft start-ups include:
- How you feel (not what the other person is/isn't doing)
- This usually means starting with "I" statements but watch out: "I think you're awful with money" doesn't count as an 'I' statement because it's critical. A sentence like that blames another person and still uses the word 'you' in a way that criticizes them. Instead, you could say "I'm stressed about our finances" which takes out the criticism.
- Describe what's happening
- Communicate what you need
Try to keep the ratio of 5 positive interactions for each 1 negative one during an argument (that's what the relationship pros do and they stay together — and are happier!).
At the beginning of our marriage, Tom and I didn't do much spiritually together besides pray before going to bed. But as the President of my church has said, "In coming days, it will not be possible to survive spiritually without the guiding, directing, comforting, and constant influence of the Holy Ghost."
Tom and I have found that we are better in tune with the Holy Ghost and with each other when we are united spiritually. We pray and study the scriptures together daily. True, we do miss a day here and there. But we do have a set time to study together and it helps to have that time blocked out. (Funny enough, the days we have fights are usually the days we haven't read the scriptures together!) We also set some family goals for how often we worship God and serve other people.
No matter what you believe, I have seen that completely ignoring one's spiritual needs can only lead to a feeling of emptiness. What else could happen when you neglect a huge part of your being? When you strengthen your spirit with the ones you love, it helps your relationship.
Important Side Note: Sometimes Tom and I have different opinions about things (sometimes they're political, spiritual, financial, or something else). Although we don't agree 100% about a topic, we can still talk to each other with respect. I find it's most important to find our common ground and go from there. It also helps when we dig a little deeper as to why we feel certain ways. Overall, it helps me most when I remember:
"We're on the same team."
If we're arguing about something and I think of that phrase, it helps me remember that we're both in it for the long haul and we both care about each other more than whatever we disagree about.
Is it weird that Tom and I plan our year in advance? Maybe. Do we like doing it in the moment? Not really. Are we glad we did it throughout the year? Definitely!
I love doing this because I love traveling. A good trip doesn't come without any plans. Especially when you have kids! So I like blocking out certain weekends or times when we might have a trip.
For more guidance about how to plan your year in advance, head over to Jordan Page's blog post. You might do it slightly differently but it's cool to see the principles and customize it to your life.
8. Real connection (8 Dates)
If you haven't read the book 8 Dates by the Gottmans (& friends), I highly recommend it. For over 4 decades, the Gottmans have studied (very rigorously and scientifically I might add) what separates relationship masters from the disasters.
Each chapter of the book covers the 8 most important conversations to have in a relationship. Wanna know what they are?? Here you go:
- Trust and Commitment
- Conflict
- Sex and Intimacy
- Work and Money
- Family
- Fun and Adventure
- Growth and Spirituality
- Dreams
Not only does this book show you the essential conversations for a healthy relationship, but it gives an incredible list of questions for each subject. This made it way easier for me to talk about this stuff with Tom and get to know each other better. And as an added bonus, the book gives you awesome date ideas for each topic. Just trust me and go buy it already.
Welp! Those are my tips and tricks. I hope you’ve found someone amazing and that keep working to become someone amazing too.
What’s your best piece of relationship advice?