Today I went to the zoo with a good friend of mine. She was in my cohort during my master's program in Mass Communications at Brigham Young University aka BYU (2017-2018).
We had a great time catching up and filling each other in on what's happened in the last few years. Although she was studying at BYU for a few years, she was (and isn't) a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
My parents are members of the Church of Jesus Christ and I was raised in that faith. However, as with most things your parents teach you, there came points where I had to decide for myself. There was a time when I didn't believe most of the doctrine. There were times when I was very angry at God. I eventually had to figure out for myself if I believed what I had been taught was true or not. I'm very grateful that I did have those moments without the gospel in my life. As it says in Doctrine and Covenants 29:39, if I never "should have the bitter [I] could not know the sweet." (See also Moses 6:55). I'm also incredibly grateful that through the grace of Jesus Christ, I was able to reintroduce God back into my life. It's been a world of difference, living with the gospel and the Spirit, and living without them.Anywho, back to my friend. Today she had some questions for me about my faith. I thought it would be good (for myself and also anyone who reads this) to articulate my answers.
Here are the questions:
1. How did you come to your testimony?
2. What keeps you going back to the church and staying faithful?
3. What is the most profound way that the gospel has changed you?
4. What is the one message from the Book of Mormon you want to share with me and anyone who doesn’t know?
5. Do you think there’s a middle way to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ? Meaning focus on the doctrinal part and not institutional stuff?
3. What is the most profound way that the gospel has changed you?
4. What is the one message from the Book of Mormon you want to share with me and anyone who doesn’t know?
5. Do you think there’s a middle way to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ? Meaning focus on the doctrinal part and not institutional stuff?
1. How did you come to your testimony?
I first gained a testimony at a very young age that the Book of Mormon was true. I remember when I was about 12 years old, I finally had read it from cover to cover (it took a few years). I distinctly remember reading the last chapters of Moroni when I was sitting in the top bunk of the bunk bed I shared with my sister. Although I had always been a voracious reader, the scriptural language was a hard for me to understand. I do remember praying a simple prayer asking Heavenly Father if what I had read was true. And I received an answer, a clear answer through the Holy Ghost: Yes, it was true.
Now fast forward to when I was about 16 years old. It was 2006. Sophomore in high school. Ah, what a time to be alive. I started caring more about what other people thought. I definitely cared more about what my peers thought than what Heavenly Father thought — or even what I thought about myself for that matter. It was a slow path. I stopped praying. I stopped studying the scriptures. And gradually, I began to hate a lot of things. I hated church. I hated following the commandments. I hated other people. I hated the feeling that I wasn't "enough" (usually in the categories of: smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, cool enough, etc. etc. etc.). I became quite depressed actually. It's hard for me to even put into words the dark depths that I felt in my heart. It got to the point that I wanted to take my own life. I (strangely maybe) still believed that God existed. I believed that Jesus existed as well. But I didn't truly believe that They loved me. (Although I could probably have recited it out loud.) I just didn't believe They loved me. Otherwise why would they let me suffer so? Why would life be so horrible it wasn't worth living? The only thing that stopped me from taking my own life was my belief that my spirit or soul would keep on existing. I had always felt strongly that I was more than just a physical body, and that each living person has a spirit or soul. But I wanted to avoid existence itself; it was, in my opinion, too painful to be worth it.
Slowly, slowly, God was gracious enough to give little hints (as much as I was willing to take at the time). Many of the things that were points of feeling bad about myself led to some of the best moments in my life. For example:
I was rejected by every single one of my dream colleges (mostly Ivy Leagues).
➡️ I was accepted by BYU-Hawaii. That's where I went, which was one of the best things I have ever done. I can't count all the blessings that came from living in Hawaii, but I'll name some of them in this post. Some of them include: meeting incredible friends, living close to beautiful beaches, being surrounded by good-hearted people, living simply, and learning by study and faith at the same time.
I was rejected by every boy that I liked at the time.
➡️ This actually helped me in so many ways. I learned how to be more emotionally independent. It also helped me avoid a lot of poor decisions. I also learned a level of compassion that has served me well when helping others.
I was asked to sing in a spiritual choir.
➡️ I reluctantly accepted to sing in the choir. The choir director had been at BYU-Hawaii for a long time. She was a literal light for me. I felt a positivity exuding from her that I hadn't allowed myself to feel for a long time.
I went on a trip with a friend and her family.
➡️ In the back of someone's car, I discovered the book "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis. The chapter on Hope changed me. If you didn't know, Lewis was an atheist himself for quite a long time. He did change and believe in God, which makes his writings on the subject immensely interesting. If you haven't read that chapter, I very much recommend it.
Things began to slowly turn around for me. Or rather, I began to turn around. I began to see everything differently. It's truly hard to put into words. I feel like if I had gone back in time to talk to myself during those dark days, I would have had to explain it like this: You have no idea how good it's going to get. Just trust me. You have such happiness waiting ahead of you, there is so much joy to be had. But it's so much that you can't even fathom it right now. (A modern version of "Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him" (1 Corinthians 2:9). I began studying the Book of Mormon 20 minutes a day for a class. I started exercising. I started getting up early. I made some incredible friends. I slowly became so much happier. It was like a darkness had been pulled out of my heart and I was slowly starting to fill the empty space with light.
In other words, I started learning the age-old truths:
- It was hard for me to kick against the pricks (Acts 9:5)
- Repentance brings true joy (Alma 36:18-20)
- He who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious” (Doctrine and Covenants 78:19)
- Jesus's "grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before [Him]; for if they humble themselves before [Him], and have faith in [Him], then will [Him] make weak things become strong unto them (Ether 12:27).
- Wickedness never was happiness (Alma 41:10).
Now this doesn't mean that after this moment I ceased to make mistakes. I still make plenty of them. It also doesn't mean that my faith in Jesus Christ suddenly became 100% strong 100% of the time overnight. Not at all. But it did lay a strong foundation for me. I knew that certain things were true. And I learned by my own experience that I am happier when I live the gospel of Jesus Christ. It's that simple. When I began to see the pattern in my life, I saw that every time I lived the gospel (truly and not mechanically or outwardly), I was happy. When I stopped living the gospel, I became unhappy. The outward "conditions" or "circumstances" of my life had little or nothing to do with my happiness.
2. What keeps you going back to the church and staying faithful?
The simple answer is: I'm happier when I live the gospel of Jesus Christ. Because when I live the gospel, the Spirit is with me. I have already learned the hard way that life without the Spirit is not a life I want to live.
3. What is the most profound way that the gospel has changed you?
I think the most profound way the gospel has changed me is that I am a better person than I would be without it. Without allowing Jesus into my life, I would be a much more selfish person. With His eternal help and mercy, I believe that I am more like Him. I believe He makes me kinder, more selfless, more grateful, more full of faith, slower to anger and quicker to forgive. I am happier because of the gospel of Jesus Christ. And that happiness leads to being better able to help and serve others. And that makes me happier too. It's an amazing cycle.
4. What is the one message from the Book of Mormon you want to share with me and anyone who doesn’t know?
Alma chapter 26. It's probably my favorite chapter in the whole book. (It's so hard for me to pick on though.) If you haven't read it, go read it. Some of my favorite principles from this chapter are:
- God has way bigger blessings in store than we can suppose
- Anyone, even the vilest of sinners, can be "made instruments in the hands of God to bring about...[His] great work"
- Give thanks to God, "for He doth work righteousness forever"
- I am nothing, but in God's strength I can do all things, even miracles
- Who can glory too much in the Lord? Who can say too much of his great power, and of his mercy, and of his long-suffering towards the children of men?
- No one but the penitent knows of God's great mercy that brings one out of the gulf of death and misery to salvation
- The person who repents, exercises faith, and brings forth good works, and prays continually without ceasing is given to know the mysteries of God and things which never have been revealed
- That person will also be given to bring thousands of souls to repentance
- See others as they may become, with the potential for good
- Righteous people aren't exempt from depression and discouragement
- The Lord comforts with reassurances to be patient
- Rely upon God's mercies
- Righteous people aren't exempt from persecution, ill-treatment, imprisonment, and more
- "Perhaps"is the mindset of preaching salvation
- You can witness sincerity of conversion based on love towards others
- God has "all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehends all things, and he is a merciful Being, even unto salvation, to those who will repent and believe on his name."
- God is mindful of all His children, of every people, no matter where they are
- God's mercy is all over the earth
5. Do you think there’s a middle way to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ? Meaning focus on the doctrinal part and not institutional stuff?
Short answer: No, I don't.
Long answer: For a long time, I wished that there was.
One part of the Doctrine and Covenants explains it this way: "Therefore, in the ordinances thereof, the power of godliness is manifest. And without the ordinances thereof, and the authority of the priesthood, the power of godliness is not manifest unto men in the flesh" (Doctrine & Covenants 84:20-21). To the best of my knowledge, it's impossible to have one without the other. You can't have the doctrine without the ordinances and covenants. It's just not enough to 'believe in your heart' the doctrine of Jesus Christ. You have to truly live it in order to experience true conversion. And just living it by principle isn't the same as making a solemn promise with Heavenly Father to keep His commandments. It's a different level of commitment. You can't make those kinds of promises just by saying them, it has to happen through a covenant by the proper authority.
I feel the same way about other things. There are symbols of it all over the place. Back when we were dating, what if Tom and I made a promise one day that we would be as committed as if we were married? Would it be the same? (I can tell you right now there are days that wouldn't have withstood our challenges.) What if we both signed a piece of scratch paper and said 'I do'? Is that the same as being legally married? Some people will tell you it makes no difference. I believe it does.
When you buy a house, why do they have you sign official documents with official witnesses? Why can't you just give your word over the phone that you'll pay for the house in due time? What about when you start a job? Can't you just verbally agree to a non-disclosure agreement?
Let's say another car pulls you over on the highway and tries to give you a ticket. The person issuing the ticket doesn't have a badge, isn't driving a police car, and doesn't have any official proof. In fact, the person is just a regular citizen. Would you pay the ticket (written on a post it) they issue you? Of course not. That person doesn't have the authority to give tickets.
These same principles are similar with covenants. For a covenant to be real, to be binding and eternal, it has to be given by the proper authority. And that has to be maintained at an institutional level (led by prophets who are directed by God). You can read more on that here.
Well that's a wrap! I never thought I would publish this information, but I had a distinct impression from the Spirit tonight. Maybe this post is for my future self, my future posterity, or just a wonderful, random person I haven't met yet. I hope you know that everything I wrote here is sincere and true. I do know now, like I didn't before, that my Heavenly Father truly, deeply loves me. Just for being me. I know that Jesus Christ loves me. They are crazy about me. And I know that they are crazy about YOU.
You can read John 3:16 with your name in it to feel Their love for you:
For God so loved [YOU], that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn [you]; but that [you] through him might be saved.
I believe that my Heavenly Parents have given me this experience of living in mortality with a physical body so I can "become like [Them] and enjoy all the blessings that [They] enjoy" (Preach My Gospel). I believe that Jesus Christ is central to God's plan because without Him, mercy and justice wouldn't work. I believe that through His Atonement, Jesus Christ made it possible for me to repent while also learn and grow from my mistakes. Whoever you are, reading this, I love you. I know that God loves you. And I share this with you in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.